tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-68613784952134992872024-02-19T08:42:15.698-06:00Dr. LoraSome reflections on the day-to-day life of a Clinical PsychologistDr. Lora Wienshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05769158879377111906noreply@blogger.comBlogger35125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6861378495213499287.post-7713329126856404132020-11-06T14:01:00.004-06:002020-11-06T14:03:27.270-06:00Trapped Inside: An Underreported Nightmare<p> I published this piece on Medium in the hopes of getting a wider audience for information that is not well-known and important for trauma survivors and health professionals. Here is the <a href="https://drlorablog.medium.com/trapped-inside-an-underreported-nightmare-a59eab0ba42a">link</a>.</p><p><br /></p>Dr. Lora Wienshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05769158879377111906noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6861378495213499287.post-8896764871407201362020-08-08T17:30:00.002-05:002020-08-08T17:30:56.446-05:00The Orchid and the Dandelion<p> One of the most interesting books I've read in the last couple of years is Thomas Boyce's "The Orchid and the Dandelion." While I recommend you read the entire book, this <a href="https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2019/03/04/699979387/is-your-child-an-orchid-or-a-dandelion-unlocking-the-science-of-sensitive-kids">interview</a> with Boyce on National Public Radio is a good start. For 30 years, Boyce has been researching why some children, i.e. Orchids, are more vulnerable to both stress and positive things in their environment whereas others, i.e. Dandelions, are able to function despite a high level of adversity. His research studies on children in the 20th century are congruent with <a href="http://www.brainblogger.com/2015/03/27/genes-stress-and-behavior-is-your-child-an-orchid-or-a-dandelion/">genetic research</a> in the last 10 years that shows the a set of genes associated with a person's stress response is correlated both with a range of mental illnesses and with resiliency, depending on the environment. </p><p>This research impacted me because it explains a lot of what I have experienced clinically and in my own life. As a Psychologist, I was struck by the way this concept opens up our understanding of resilience. The field of Psychology as well as the general public tends to think of resilience as the ability to function despite adversity, i.e. they are less <i>sensitive</i> to it. This is not the entire truth of resilience.</p><p>Orchids are often told by others that they need to "toughen up" because they are too sensitive, too emotional, dramatic, self-pitying, self-indulgent and "feeling sorry for themselves." Orchid children in abusive environments use their sensitivity to try to read the state of mind of their abusive parents and to predict their parents' behavior. They also sometimes survive an abusive parent by being emotional caregivers for them, anticipating their emotional needs and wishes. Orchid children in less abusive environments can experience things as overwhelming and even traumatic that might not seem objectively traumatic to others. This can cause conflict with Dandelion parents or spouses who may think they are helping their Orchid loved one by explaining to them they are overreacting and encouraging them to calm down. Orchids respond poorly to this and generally become even more emotionally dysregulated. </p><p>An interesting thing is that well-supported Orchids are generally at least as resilient as Dandelions and tend to contribute significantly to society as they are naturally responsive to the needs of other people, animals, and the natural environment. Moreover, their emotional emotional wellbeing can improve significantly when given the right kind of support, perhaps explaining their tendency to make significant progress in psychotherapy when there are ready.</p><p><br /></p>Dr. Lora Wienshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05769158879377111906noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6861378495213499287.post-23886151132591454812020-06-13T11:32:00.004-05:002023-07-18T10:15:48.494-05:00Disorganized Attachment<div>
<i><span style="font-family: inherit;">Many of my clients have a Disorganized attachment style. This is almost a given if you have a Dissociative Disorder and is also true for most clients with Complex PTSD. Having a Disorganized attachment style when you are young is a risk factor for many things, including both physical and mental illnesses. The following describes what it feels like to have a Disorganized attachment style.</span></i></div>
<div>
<i></i><span style="font-family: inherit;"></span><br /></div>
<div>
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">I will do
almost anything to avoid feelings of vulnerability that might elicit a need for
an attachment figure. I may be almost entirely isolated or I may have set up
relationships in my life such that attachment vulnerability is avoided. I may
be comfortable seeing myself as the person who gives to others or rescues them
from bad situations. Alternately, I may be focused on competing with others to
prove my value, authority and knowledge and/or submitting to people who seem
more powerful than me in order to get their approval. In all relationships, it
is important for me to have a sense of control. </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">If I am
forced to feel vulnerable by an external or internal trigger, I become undone emotionally
and experience helplessness, panic, numbness, shame, and dissociation. It is also
common that vulnerability triggers sudden flashbacks of neglect or abuse. </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">One reason I cannot find peace when my
attachment needs are triggered is that I don’t have only one underlying attachment
system. I will likely be pulled between extreme urges toward anxious and
avoidant ways of attachment, mixed in with attempts to push away all attachment
needs by getting a sense of control through a combination of addictive
behaviors (i.e. drugs, alcohol, sex, gambling, overeating, self-injury) and/or
relating to others in ways that make me feel in control (i.e. caregiving,
rescuing, dominating, or submission.) I
never feel significantly safe alone or with others. </span></span><b></b><i></i><u></u><sub></sub><sup></sup><strike></strike></div>
Dr. Lora Wienshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05769158879377111906noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6861378495213499287.post-29093318483080548792020-06-13T11:30:00.004-05:002020-06-13T11:35:20.525-05:00Insecure-Avoidant Attachment<i><span style="font-family: inherit;">This attachment style is sometimes labeled Anxious-Avoidant or Dismissive. Many people with this attachment style do not realize they have any issues with attachment. </span></i><br />
<i><span style="font-family: inherit;"></span><br /></i>
<br />
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">The vast
majority of the time, I feel self-sufficient and am often comfortable being
alone. When personal vulnerability emerges, I have learned to automatically
distract myself so that I am hardly aware of it. If the feeling is strong
enough so that I’m aware of it, I am unlikely to seek support because I
interpret that pain as personal weakness. Instead, I will likely isolate and
distract myself more than usual and/or seek additional distraction through
addictive behaviors (i.e. drugs, alcohol, sex, gambling, overeating,
self-injury) until the negative feeling dissipates. I am vulnerable to being a
workaholic or to overinvesting in activities that do not involve my attachment
figures so that I can ignore my attachment needs. When others talk about
attachment needs, it often makes no sense to me or they seem weak emotionally
or morally (i.e. selfish, manipulative)</span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">When there
are important people in my life, I relate to them in a way that avoids
vulnerability as much as possible. I am usually more comfortable seeing myself
as the person who gives to others or rescues them from bad situations.
Alternately, I may be focused on competing with others to prove my value,
authority and knowledge and/or submitting to people who seem more powerful than
me in order to get their approval. </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">In my
romantic relationships, my partner often complains I am not around enough or
are not meeting their needs. I don’t really understand why s/he wants that
closeness. As I don’t know how to fix that problem, I am likely to try to
ignore it, submit superficially to the requests, or explain to them why they’re
being unreasonable/ demanding/ needy. </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><i><span style="font-family: inherit;">Note to others: Most of the time, people with
Avoidant Attachment do not consciously shut down their emotions and needs, but
are skilled in avoiding an awareness of their emotions through distraction, a coping
skill they’ve learned under the age of 1. </span></i></span><b></b><u></u><sub></sub><sup></sup><strike></strike>Dr. Lora Wienshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05769158879377111906noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6861378495213499287.post-2082306985139809242020-06-13T11:27:00.002-05:002020-06-13T11:28:31.622-05:00Insecure-Anxious Attachment<i>This attachment style is also called Anxious-Resistant and Preoccupied. While this is s stable way of relating to others, it can also be very painful. The following paragraphs describe what it is like to have this attachment style.</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i></i><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I prefer to
be in the presence of my attachment figure(s). My need for the physical
presence and/or words of connection from my attachment figure is fairly
constant. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In the absence of this
connection, I worry about whether they are forgetting about me, betraying me,
and/or coming to harm from some outside source.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Even when I
am physically with my attachment figure and they seem emotionally present and
supportive, I cannot fully relax because I’m alert to the possibility I might
lose them through death, rejection, or betrayal. If I sense any change in my
attachment figure’s mood, it is easy for me to attribute that mood change to
how they feel about me. This may lead me to ask (direct or indirect) questions
asking questions as to whether they really care, whether they are cheating, whether
they are in any risk of harm, etc. I’m also vulnerable to wanting to look at
their phone, track them on their phone, talk to exes, and confirm with third
parties about their whereabouts and activities.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">When I feel
abandoned, rejected and betrayed by an attachment figure, I am vulnerable to
addictive behaviors (i.e. drugs, alcohol, sex, gambling, overeating,
self-injury). Sometimes I perceive abandonments, rejections, or betrayals when
my attachment figure has not left the relationship and did not intend to
communicate rejection or to betray me. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">My need to keep a constant eye on the
emotionally accessibility and safety of my attachment figure can inhibit me
from enjoying other things in my life and learning about things that interest
me outside of what’s impacting my relationships. </span><br />
<b></b><i></i><u></u><sub></sub><sup></sup><strike></strike><span style="font-family: inherit;"></span><br />Dr. Lora Wienshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05769158879377111906noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6861378495213499287.post-61488359354310463712020-06-13T11:25:00.001-05:002020-06-13T11:25:36.895-05:00Secure Attachment<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: 16px; font-variant: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px 0px 0pt; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><i>This is a description of what it feels like to reach out to others when you have secure attachment to them. Many of my clients cannot imagine what this would feel like.</i></span></div>
<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><b></b><b></b><i></i><br /></span></div>
<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">When I feel vulnerable, it feels
natural to turn to my attachment figures(s). When I turn to them, I can
fairly quickly find comfort and my distress decreases. When I’m not around
the people I’m attached to, I don’t have to worry that they will forget about
me, leave me, or get angry at me. This allows me to enjoy other aspects of my
life and learning about things that interest me. If my attachment figure does
abandon, reject, or betray me, I have the ability to confront them and let
them go if they are unhealthy.</span></div>
<span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-color: white; color: black; display: inline !important; float: none; font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
</span><div style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
<br /></div>
<span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-color: white; color: black; display: inline !important; float: none; font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
</span><div style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">I feel okay when I am alone and okay when I
am with my attachment figure(s).</span></div>
<br />Dr. Lora Wienshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05769158879377111906noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6861378495213499287.post-55222309246171973852020-06-13T11:19:00.000-05:002020-06-14T21:12:25.135-05:00What is attachment?<br />
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">We, along with all mammals, are born with the need to attach to others to survive. The
attachment system is activated whenever we feel vulnerable (i.e. scared, sick,
overwhelmed) and would ideally benefit from the comfort, support, and
encouragement someone we perceive as stronger, wiser, and kind. Attachment
behaviors show up at 6-9 months of age.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>When we are young, our primary attachment figure is the parent most
active in our day to day care and to a lesser extent whoever else is
substantially involved in our care (i.e. the other parent, older siblings,
grandparents, regular babysitters.)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Children typically rank their caregivers, e.g. choosing mom if she’s
present, dad when mom is not around, and grandma when both parents are not
there.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></span>
<br />
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">When an
attachment figure is able to provide protection and comfort and genuinely
delights in the child, children learn healthy ways to cope with their emotions
and to relate to other children and adults. When this does not happen, children
struggle with more intense and extreme emotions (especially fear and anger)
and/or overly constricted emotions. Their relationships with peers and other
adults are marked by highly oppositional behavior, overly submissive behavior,
and/or caregiving behavior.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span>
<br />
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">When we are
teenagers and adults, attachment figures are our closest family members, but
also may include older siblings, best friends, romantic partners, and even an
admired teacher, boss, pastor, or therapist. Research has shown that healthy
attachments with people outside of the family in childhood and young adulthood
are especially effective in mitigating the impact of unhealthy attachment
patterns at home. Moreover, healthy attachment figures through the lifespan can
help someone with difficulties forming a healthy attachment to develop
progressively healthier relationships and more effective ways of coping with
difficult emotions.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span>
<br />
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">In the next
four blog spots, I will write about the 4 attachment styles that develop in response
to how we are parented: secure, insecure-anxious, insecure-avoidant, and
insecure-disorganized.</span><br />
<b></b><i></i><u></u><sub></sub><sup></sup><strike></strike>Dr. Lora Wienshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05769158879377111906noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6861378495213499287.post-78263477351636433142020-06-13T11:10:00.006-05:002020-06-13T11:24:00.702-05:00How I Became a Warrior<span style="font-size: small;"><i> This poem was written by <a href="https://www.lifewithoutacentre.com/writings/poetry/">Jeff Foster</a>. I think it's a fairly accurate and very moving description of what trauma good therapy helps you to do. </i> </span><br />
<div style="margin-top: 0in; vertical-align: baseline;">
<br /></div>
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "inherit" , "serif";">Once, I ran from fear</span><br />
<div style="margin-top: 0in; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "inherit" , "serif";">
so fear controlled me.<br />
Until I learned to hold fear like a newborn.<br />
Listen to it, but not give in.<br />
Honour it, but not worship it.<br />
Fear could not stop me anymore.<br />
I walked with courage into the storm.<br />
I still have fear,<br />
but it does not have me.</span></div>
<div style="margin-top: 0in; vertical-align: baseline;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-top: 0in; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "inherit" , "serif";">Once, I was ashamed of who I was.<br />
I invited shame into my heart.<br />
I let it burn.<br />
It told me, “I am only trying<br />
to protect your vulnerability.”<br />
I thanked shame dearly,<br />
and stepped into life anyway,<br />
unashamed, with shame as a lover.</span><span style="color: #333333; font-family: "inherit" , "serif";"><br /></span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin-top: 0in; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "inherit" , "serif";">Once, I had great sadness<br />
buried deep inside.<br />
I invited it to come out and play.<br />
I wept oceans. My tear ducts ran dry.<br />
And I found joy right there.<br />
Right at the core of my sorrow.<br />
It was heartbreak that taught me how to love.</span><span style="color: #333333; font-family: "inherit" , "serif";"><br /></span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin-top: 0in; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "inherit" , "serif";">Once, I had anxiety.<br />
A mind that wouldn’t stop.<br />
Thoughts that wouldn’t be silent.<br />
So I stopped trying to silence them.<br />
And I dropped out of the mind<br />
and into the Earth.<br />
Into the mud.<br />
Where I was held strong<br />
like a tree, unshakeable, safe.</span></div>
<div style="margin-top: 0in; vertical-align: baseline;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-top: 0in; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "inherit" , "serif";">Once, anger burned in the depths.<br />
I called anger into the light of myself.<br />
I felt its shocking power.<br />
I let my heart pound and my blood boil.<br />
Listened to it, finally.<br />
And it screamed, “Respect yourself fiercely now!”<br />
“Speak your truth with passion!”<br />
“Say no when you mean no!”<br />
“Walk your path with courage!”<br />
“Let no one speak for you!”<br />
Anger became an honest friend.<br />
A truthful guide.<br />
A beautiful wild child.</span><span style="color: #333333; font-family: "inherit" , "serif";"><br /></span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin-top: 0in; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "inherit" , "serif";">Once, loneliness cut deep.<br />
I tried to distract and numb myself.<br />
Ran to people and places and things.<br />
Even pretended I was “happy”.<br />
But soon I could not run anymore.<br />
And I tumbled into the heart of loneliness.<br />
And I died and was reborn<br />
into an exquisite solitude and stillness.<br />
That connected me to all things.<br />
So I was not lonely, but alone with All Life.<br />
My heart One with all other hearts.</span></div>
<div style="margin-top: 0in; vertical-align: baseline;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-top: 0in; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "inherit" , "serif";">Once, I ran from difficult feelings.<br />
Now, they are my advisors, confidants, friends,<br />
and they all have a home in me,<br />
and they all belong and have dignity.<br />
I am sensitive, soft, fragile,<br />
my arms wrapped around all my inner children.<br />
And in my sensitivity, power.<br />
In my fragility, an unshakeable Presence.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin-top: 0in; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "inherit" , "serif";">In the depths of my wounds,<br />
in what I had named “darkness”,<br />
I found a blazing Light<br />
that guides me now in battle.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin-top: 0in; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "inherit" , "serif";">I became a warrior<br />
when I turned towards myself.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin-top: 0in; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "inherit" , "serif";">And started listening.</span></div>
<b></b><i></i><u></u><sub></sub><sup></sup><strike></strike>Dr. Lora Wienshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05769158879377111906noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6861378495213499287.post-64319057897581790442020-06-12T14:49:00.003-05:002020-06-12T14:49:39.652-05:00Podcast Episode: Snap JudgmentI was very touched by this episode of Snap Judgment entitled <a href="https://www.wnycstudios.org/podcasts/snapjudgment/episodes/borders-between-us-radio">Borders Between Us</a>. It is the story of a man who has a difficult mother. He told her he wished she was dead shortly before she died. The shame he carries during a complicated grief process that takes years and how he ends up seeking healing are both moving and exemplary of the healing work that trauma recovery involves. Dr. Lora Wienshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05769158879377111906noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6861378495213499287.post-27082527700073473282020-06-12T14:10:00.000-05:002020-06-12T14:29:50.709-05:00Complex PTSD<span style="font-family: inherit;">Many of my clients have something called Complex PTSD (C-PTSD). Despite the advocacy of trauma therapists and researchers, C-PTSD did not make it to the DSM-V but is hoped for in the ICD-11. In my experience, it is a very real disorder that impacts many areas of your life, including your emotions, the way you vie</span>w yourself, and the way you experience others. Ongoing difficulties with interpersonal relationships, including avoiding others, choosing abusive people, and even fearing you are or will be abusive to a partner or child are common. For more about C-PTSD, I encourage your to read the <a href="https://www.beautyafterbruises.org/what-is-cptsd">following article</a>, "What is C-PTSD?" To give you a sense of the article, here is the opening paragraph explaining why people develop C-PTSD:<br />
<br />
"Complex PTSD comes in response to chronic traumatization over the course of months or, more often, years. This can include emotional, physical, and/or sexual abuses, domestic violence, living in a war zone, being held captive, human trafficking and other organized rings of abuse, and more. While there are exceptional circumstances where adults develop C-PTSD, it is most often seen in those whose trauma occurred in childhood. For those who are older, being at the complete control of another person (often unable to meet their most basic needs without them), coupled with no foreseeable end in sight, can break down the psyche, the survivor's sense of self, and affect them on this deeper level. For those who go through this as children, because the brain is still developing and they're just beginning to learn who they are as an individual, understand the world around them, and build their first relationships - severe trauma interrupts the entire course of their psychologic and neurologic development."<span style="display: inline; float: none; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; overflow-wrap: break-word; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;"><span style="background-color: #f9cb9c; color: black;"></span></span><br />
<b></b><i></i><u></u><sub></sub><sup></sup><strike></strike><span style="color: black;"></span><span style="font-family: inherit;"></span><span style="background-color: #e69138;"></span><span style="background-color: #f9cb9c;"></span><span style="background-color: #fce5cd;"></span><span style="background-color: #fff2cc;"></span><span style="background-color: #f9cb9c;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"></span>If this is you, medication alone will not be enough as it's not solely a genetic, biologically based disorder. While it can be really scary, the best things for you are building relationships with healthy non-abusive people and engaging in therapy over a long period of time with a trauma informed therapist. If you are looking for a therapist, make sure you ask any prospective therapist whether they have experiencing treating Complex PTSD. Also, make sure you choose someone who helps you to feel (relatively) comfortable with them. It commonly takes at least 6-8 sessions to know for sure whether you feel comfortable working with someone, but you may know as soon as the first or second session if you are not comfortable.</span>Dr. Lora Wienshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05769158879377111906noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6861378495213499287.post-76388789070412820332020-05-28T17:52:00.002-05:002020-06-12T14:52:06.485-05:00Healthy Relationship Triangle<div style="text-align: left;">
This is a follow up post to my post <a href="https://drlora.blogspot.com/2020/05/karpmanns-dramatriangle-edits-lora.html">"Karpmann Drama Triangle." </a> I created this triangle to help people understand what healthy alternatives were to the Drama Triangle.<br />
<br />
In a healthy, mutual relationship between adults, both people will take turns playing all three roles. In a parent-child relationship, the Parent plays the Support and Assertive Role on behalf of his/her child and the Child plays the Vulnerable and Assertive Role on behalf of him/herself.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;"> <b>Support Role</b></span><br />
<a href="https://www.google.com/url?sa=i&url=https%3A%2F%2Fcommons.wikimedia.org%2Fwiki%2FFile%3AEquilateral_Triangle_(PSF).png&psig=AOvVaw3e9GHBWfsnopmpI8svopk_&ust=1590791238651000&source=images&cd=vfe&ved=0CAIQjRxqFwoTCMiv86jN1-kCFQAAAAAdAAAAABAJ"><img height="362" src="https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/8/8d/Equilateral_Triangle_%28PSF%29.png/847px-Equilateral_Triangle_%28PSF%29.png" width="400" /></a><br />
<br />
<b><span style="font-size: large;">Assertive Role </span></b> <span style="font-size: large;"> <b>Vulnerable Role</b></span><br />
<br />
<b>Support Role</b></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<b></b><br />
Someone else is hurting and I love them. For this reason, I will offer practical and/or emotional support to them. If I do not have what they need, it does not mean I do not care about them or are putting them in danger. It is not wrong to say no.<br />
<br />
<b>Assertive Role</b><br />
<br />
Someone did something that hurt me or someone I care about. For this reason, I will assert myself on behalf of myself or someone I care about. I am not seeking retaliation. I respect the feelings and needs of the person I am talking to as I assert myself.<br />
<b><br />Vulnerable Role</b><br />
<br />
I have natural needs for affection, attention, support, quality time, and encouragement from a Supportive Person. Vulnerability exists in everyone even if there is no Supportive Person or an inadequate Supportive Person. When I am in this role, I can choose whether or not to seek support, from whom, and how much I want to be vulnerable. I can also choose not to be in a relationship with someone and/or set boundaries with them while staying in relationship.<br />
<br /></div>
Dr. Lora Wienshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05769158879377111906noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6861378495213499287.post-64669159354558753902020-05-28T17:46:00.002-05:002020-06-12T14:52:30.331-05:00Karpmann's Drama Triangle<i>This is an elaboration of the Karpmann Triangle written by Dr. Lora Wiens as it applies to common roles abuse survivers and their therapists fall into.</i><br />
<i></i><br />
In an abuse situation, there is an abuser(s), a victim(s), and often a third party who does or does not rescue the victim. For people who experienced abuse as children, these roles feel familiar and are compelling. When we have grown up in a home with abuse, we tend to fall into these roles in our adult relationships. These roles may feel compelling even when there is no actual abuse taking place. In a relationship between two adults who were abused as children, both people in the relationship are vulnerable to playing at least one of these roles, if not two or three. All three roles can also play out in our relationships with our children.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><b> Rescuer/Bystander</b></span><br />
<a href="https://www.google.com/url?sa=i&url=https%3A%2F%2Fcommons.wikimedia.org%2Fwiki%2FFile%3AEquilateral_Triangle_(PSF).png&psig=AOvVaw3e9GHBWfsnopmpI8svopk_&ust=1590791238651000&source=images&cd=vfe&ved=0CAIQjRxqFwoTCMiv86jN1-kCFQAAAAAdAAAAABAJ"><img height="362" src="https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/8/8d/Equilateral_Triangle_%28PSF%29.png/847px-Equilateral_Triangle_%28PSF%29.png" width="400" /></a><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><b>Abuser/Perpetrator Victim </b></span><br />
<div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><b></b><br /></span></div>
<div>
<b>Rescuer/Bystander</b></div>
<b></b><br />
Someone is being abused and I must rescue them or I am morally culpable as a Bystander. If I do not rescue them, bad things will happen to them and it will be my fault.<br />
<br />
<b>Abuser/Perpetrator</b><br />
<br />
Due to my actions, someone else is experiencing emotional, physical, or sexual abuse. In the moment of my actions, I am either oblivious to the impact of my actions on the person I am abusing and/or I actively want to cause them harm. I may feel in that moment that I am fighting the abusive actions or words of the one I am abusing.<br />
<br />
<b>Victim</b><br />
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I am being abused by someone else. I feel helpless to stop it. I feel my only choices are to submit to the abuser, dissociate and/or freeze. My lack of choice may be either because 1) someone else is actively coercing me or because 2) I am emotionally unable due to leave the situation or otherwise protect myself in that moment due to my trauma history.</div>
Dr. Lora Wienshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05769158879377111906noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6861378495213499287.post-69504454357639362982020-05-23T11:27:00.000-05:002020-05-23T11:27:43.154-05:00A Video in Times of COVID19I created this video for the Samaritan Counseling Center of the NW suburbs in Barrington, IL where I practice. But I thought it might be helpful for some of you as well. Here is the link from the Samaritan Center Facebook page:<br />
<br />
<iframe src="https://www.facebook.com/plugins/video.php?href=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.facebook.com%2F192886684218417%2Fvideos%2F174206493770594%2F&show_text=0&width=267" width="267" height="476" style="border:none;overflow:hidden" scrolling="no" frameborder="0" allowTransparency="true" allowFullScreen="true"></iframe>Dr. Lora Wienshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05769158879377111906noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6861378495213499287.post-89947345782975790612020-05-23T11:20:00.001-05:002020-05-23T11:20:25.800-05:00Hello again!My sister challenged me to consider resume working on my blog. This got me thinking about how I might use it in a way that would be helpful for both current clients and others. Most of my earlier entries were originally written by me. While I would like to continue posting things I write, I think it might also be helpful to share things that could be useful to others.<br />
<br />
Since starting the blog, my focus as a clinician has become increasing focused on Complex Trauma and Dissociation. While Complex PTSD did not make it to the DSM-5, it will likely be in the ICD-11. Complex PTSD describes the trauma that occurs in response to conditions of repeatedly emotional and relational stress. People with Complex PTSD were usually victims of emotional, physical, and sexual abuse as well as neglect over a period of time as children. Their parents may have been simply overwhelmed with their own trauma, their losses, and/or triggers from their own childhood. They may have had personality disorders. At worst, they may have been sadistic or had psychopathic traits. The worst the abuse, the more likely you are to have not simply Complex PTSD but a Dissociative Disorder.<br />
<br />
Given all of this, I want to share things, whether written by me or not, that I believe will be helpful to my clients with Complex PTSD and Dissociative Disorders. I hope that some of you find them helpful. Whether or not I end up being your therapist, please seek help if you need it. The healing path is a difficult one. But it in the only one to freedom, peace, and feeling more alive.Dr. Lora Wienshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05769158879377111906noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6861378495213499287.post-72689462472094403852014-02-13T17:17:00.000-06:002014-02-13T17:17:04.658-06:008 Signs you Should see a TherapistI thought the <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/02/12/8-signs-you-should-see-a_n_4718245.html">Huffington Post</a> did a great job running through both reasons to seek therapy and common reasons people do not. I think it needs an addendum- How do you know it is time to bring your child or teen to therapy? I think I feel another blog entry coming...In the meantime, I thought I would refer to a previous blog entry, <a href="http://drlora.blogspot.com/2011/06/common-myths-that-fuel-therapy.html">Common Myths that Fuel Therapy Avoidance</a>. It amazes me how much stigma there still is around psychotherapy, especially for men. Ironically, to me, a benefit of good therapy is rejoining the human race. When you trying unsuccessfully to fix your problems on your own, it is easy to feel increasingly ashamed and alone. Successful therapy has the opposite effect!Dr. Lora Wienshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05769158879377111906noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6861378495213499287.post-85086054553438232942014-02-04T17:08:00.002-06:002014-04-06T18:40:48.697-05:00Should I Divorce?Should I get a divorce? Many people come to therapy in part to try to answer this question. Not knowing how to proceed in your marriage can painful and confusing. Along with providing support and helping clients cope with painful emotions, I try to help my clients process their responses to certain questions. Fully engaging the following questions should engage your heart, head, and an intuitive sense of what feels true about yourself, your spouse, about your marriage:<br />
<br />
1) <i>Is everyone in the home safe?</i> If you and/or your children are not safe <a href="http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2013/02/20/signs-of-emotional-abuse/">emotionally</a>, physically or <a href="http://www.wcsap.org/sexual-assault-context-domestic-violence">sexually</a>, divorce may be the best option. However, there may be obstacles to leaving your spouse and pursuing a divorce. Support from others, including a therapist and/or other resources, can be critical when there are safety issues. <br />
<br />
2)<i> Is your spouse aware of how s/he contributes to the marital problems? </i>If so, has s/he taken responsibility for making any needed changes? Or, instead, does s/he deny the existence of problems or blame you for causing any unhappiness in the relationship? If the answer to the final question is yes, you should think about the future with the assumption that things are unlikely to get better.<br />
<br />
3) <i>Are you aware of any ways you contribute to the problems in the marriage?</i> Have you taken steps to make any needed changes? If the answer is yes and the problems remain, you should think about the future with the assumption that things are unlikely to get better. Note: If you have not told your spouse why you are unhappy, your silence may be contributing to your marital problems. If you find it difficult to communicate honestly with your spouse, couples counseling could be useful.<br />
<br />
4)<i> Are you able to think about the good and bad parts of the relationship at the same time? </i>Or, instead, do you hate the relationship on some days and love the relationship or simply not mind the problems on other days? Until you can look honestly at BOTH the good and the bad feelings you have toward your spouse at same time, it will be difficult to make a decision with any staying power. <br />
<br />
5) <i>What do your friends and family think of your marriage and your spouse? </i>If your close friends and family members are concerned about you, your spouse, and/or the marriage, this usually means there are problems to address.<i> (Note: Your family may be unsupportive of you and your spouse or marriage because of their own biases, beliefs, and/or emotional issues. For example, same-sex couples can face a lack of familial support because their spouse is the same sex.)</i> If you are not sure whether your family and/or friends have legitimate concerns, this may be a good time to seek out therapy and/or additional counsel of some kind.<br />
<br />
6)<i> Does anyone else know about your marital problems?</i> Holding everything inside can make it difficult to see your marriage clearly. Talking to a close friend, family member and/or a therapist might be a helpful next step. If you can't confide in anyone you know, finding a therapist might be a crucial next step.<br />
<br />
7) <i>Are you having an affair?</i> If so, it is unlikely you can sustain both relationships indefinitely. If you want to keep open the option of staying in your marriage, it is time to stop the affair as soon as possible and address any marital difficulties. If you do not want to end the affair or work to improve your marriage, it might be time to be honest with yourself and your spouse about your desire for a divorce.<br />
<br />
8) <i>Is your spouse having an affair?</i> If so, do they appear to genuinely regret their actions? Have they taken steps to end the relationship? Can you imagine reconciling with your spouse? What are you willing to accept? Finding out your spouse is having an affair is extremely painful and many people find it is a process to work through these questions and decide how to proceed.<br />
<br />
9) <i>What are your values?</i> If divorce is against your religious/spiritual beliefs or personal values, it is important to take your convictions seriously as you weigh whether or not divorce the the best choice. Making decisions that explicitly conflict with your values tends to cause inner conflict and stress.<br />
<br />
10) <i>What makes you want to stay?</i> In a healthy marriage, at least some of the reasons to stay married will have to do with your connection to your spouse. In order words, there are at least moments you feel genuine affection, you admire and respect your spouse, you are a good team, and you want to connect and communicate. In an unhealthy marriage, people stay for other reasons--e.g. you don't want to hurt your spouse, you don't want to lose the financial support and/or pay alimony, you are afraid of your spouse, you fear consequences in your social circle, and/or you are worried about the impact of your children. If you are staying in your marriage for the second set of reasons, divorce could be the right decision. However, you will need to address your reservations. For example, many people are legitimately concerned about finances and the potential emotional impact of a divorce on their children.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Dr. Lora Wienshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05769158879377111906noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6861378495213499287.post-87666678816957826762014-01-21T17:16:00.000-06:002014-01-21T17:16:54.696-06:00Supporting Others Through TragedyYou may be visiting this blog in hope of finding a therapist for someone you love. Perhaps that person has been through something extremely difficult, such as a loss or traumatic event. I thought this article, <a href="http://www.nytimes.com/2014/01/21/opinion/brooks-the-art-of-presence.html?_r=1">The Art of Presence</a>, by David Brooks, in the New York Times had some extremely insightful words about supporting others in the most difficult of circumstances.<br />
<br />
<br />Dr. Lora Wienshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05769158879377111906noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6861378495213499287.post-90030839073703625132014-01-07T20:46:00.001-06:002014-01-07T20:58:51.231-06:00Life after AbuseA large part of what I do in psychotherapy with people as a Clinical Psychologist falls under the category of abuse recovery. Abuse is a broad term, encompassing physical, sexual, and emotional abuse. Sometimes, abuse is a one-time event by an abusive acquaintance of stranger. At other times, there is an ongoing abusive relationship with a parent, stepparent, relative, coach, teacher, religious leader, spouse, sibling, close friend or even an adult child.<br />
<br />
When a child is abused, especially when the abuse is repeated by someone who has an ongoing relationship with the child, there are often long-term mental health consequences reaching into adulthood. It is hard to know who to trust and how to build a trusting relationship when you were abused and/or not protected from abuse by adults around you as a child. It is hard to know how to tolerate emotional pain when you have years of experiencing sometimes truly intolerable pain in isolation with no relief other than addictive behaviors that distract and numb.<br />
<br />
How do you recover from abuse? Abuse recovery has several important components, including:<br />
<br />
<b>1) Finding a Safe Environment.</b> When you are in regular contact with people who abuse you, especially when you live with them, abuse recovery is challenging. Leaving an abusive relationship is very difficult for many people with abuse histories because abuse feels "normal" and because it can be risky on multiple levels to limit or end those relationships.<br />
<br />
<b>2) Stopping self-destructive behaviors.</b> Self-destructive behaviors such as restrictive or binge eating, self-harm behaviors, suicidal thoughts /actions, and addiction(s) to drugs and/or alcohol are often what brings people with childhood abuse histories to therapy. While books and seminars can be helpful, do not feel ashamed if you haven't been able to stop them on your own. In my practice, I use <a href="http://drlora.blogspot.com/p/dialectical-behavior-therapy-dbt.html">DBT</a> frequently to help people with these behaviors.<br />
<br />
<b>3) Finding Trustworthy People.</b> This is paradoxical for many abuse survivors. On the one hand, learning how to trust and getting the support of trustworthy people is absolutely essential for abuse recovery. On the other hand, most people with significant histories of abuse have a difficult time knowing who to trust and how much to trust them. Psychotherapy can be an excellent place to learn how to develop trusting relationships. However, not all therapists are equally trustworthy nor will all of them be a good fit for you, your personality, and your set of issues. It is important to hold out for a therapist who is competent in abuse recovery and who feels potentially trustworthy to you.<br />
<br />
<b>4) Disclosing the Abuse.</b> It is extremely difficult to recover from abuse without speaking of it to anyone. Unfortunately, some people have had the experience of disclosing the abuse and not being believed or, worse, being abused by the person they trusted enough to disclose the abuse. If this is you, it is even more important to work toward telling someone who can validate that you were abused and that it was not okay. If you want therapy but cannot imagine talking about the abuse, know that it's normal to build a relationship with your therapist before disclosing your abuse. Finally, at some point in your therapy, you may find it helpful to talk about the abuse in detail, either by simply talking to your therapist and/or using additional methods such as <a href="http://www.webmd.com/mental-health/emdr-what-is-it">EMDR</a>, <a href="http://www.eftuniverse.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=50">EFT</a>, or <a href="http://www.hypnotherapy-directory.org.uk/articles/ptsd.html">Hypnosis</a>.<br />
<br />
<b>5) Building a Life after Abuse.</b> What kind of person do you want to be? What do you want your relationships to be like? What matters to you the most? What do you value? Where do you want to go in your future? These are the questions you will start to answer more fully as you build your life after abuse. Before dealing with the abuse, many people find their lives are centered on pain relief and avoidance. Once you do not need to expend energy numbing yourself and avoiding painful situations, you will free up a lot of energy that can be channeled into building a life worth living for you and the people you love.Dr. Lora Wienshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05769158879377111906noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6861378495213499287.post-60618487634402148842013-03-03T20:54:00.000-06:002013-03-03T20:54:41.583-06:00Living a LieAs part of my listing as a Clinical Psychologist in Psychology Today, I receive their bimonthly magazine. I wanted to give a shout out to their article <a href="http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201212/living-lie">Living a Lie</a> in the February 2013 edition. When I read it, I thought yes, that is exactly what I do. I help people identify the lies they tell themselves and to acknowledge and ultimately accept aspects of reality.<br />
<br />
Denial is a form of protection for the mind. We are not ready to let go of our denial until we have at least some resources to face reality. Facing reality can trigger painful and difficult feelings such as loss, anger, hopelessness, anxiety, shame, inadequacy, vulnerability, terror, uncertainty, or resentment. These feelings can be so overwhelming and alarming to the brain that it blocks them or leaks them out indirectly.<br />
<br />
In my office, I regularly meet with people who identify as LGBTQ and people with histories of trauma and abuse. People who are LGBTQ may begin their identity formation process by denying that are not straight and not their biological gender (see my <a href="http://drlora.blogspot.com/p/coming-out-model.html">Coming out Scale</a>), largely because they are afraid of the implications of that admission for their own self-identity and their relationships to others. People who have experienced repeated trauma and abuse are usually lied to by the abuser(s) and may even adapt by literally forgetting about the presence or the extent of the abuse, at least temporarily. (For more on trauma and dissociation, click <a href="http://isst-d.org/education/faq-dissociation.htm">here</a>).<br />
<br />
<span style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.296875);">Facing reality is a process whereby you gradually expand your understanding of yourself, the people around you, and even your place in the cosmos. Ultimately, this can be freeing and life-giving. In the short-term, it can be difficult and the journey is easier when you are not traveling alone.</span><br />
<br />Dr. Lora Wienshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05769158879377111906noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6861378495213499287.post-19534455235624654222012-04-27T13:12:00.000-05:002012-04-27T13:14:42.260-05:00Suicide as an EscapeYesterday, I had the opportunity to speak with local pastors and chaplains at Good Shepherd Hospital in Barrington, IL about suicide prevention. I have worked with many clients who struggle with suicidal thoughts in community mental health centers and now in private practice. Many people have a hard time understanding why someone would even consider taking their own life. In my experience, suicidal thoughts are almost always motivated by the fantasy of escape.<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<div style="text-align: left;">
1) Some people believe that suicide will deliver them from pain they are currently experiencing. This pain can be emotional, physical, or even spiritual. When suicidal thoughts come to mind, a person may be trying to escape feelings of being deeply depressed, alone, abandoned, betrayed, or ashamed. Sometimes, the intensity of this pain is heightened by the existence of Major Depressive Disorder or Bipolar Disorder.</div>
</div>
<br />
2) Some people believe that suicide will help them escape an impossible situation. Common situations I have observed that place people at risk are the following:<br />
<br />
<div class="p1">
</div>
<ul>
<li>The person has experience a significant loss, such as the loss of a person to death (esp. suicide), a divorce or break-up, loss of a home, or loss of a job.</li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li>The person has recently been arrested or publicly exposed for something s/he experiences as humiliating, financially crippling, or career damaging. </li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li>The person experiences distress over his/her sexual identity due to personal beliefs, bullying, fears about implications for current spouse and children, or perceived rejection or potential rejection by family members.</li>
</ul>
<div>
If you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts, you are not alone. If you are struggling personally, it is really important that you reach out to someone, especially a mental health professional. If you are worried about someone, do not be afraid to talk to them about suicide and encourage them to seek help. It is a myth that asking someone about whether they are suicidal makes them suicidal. Most people who are suicidal feel extremely alone and benefit from someone noticing their pain and caring enough to ask.</div>
<br />Dr. Lora Wienshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05769158879377111906noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6861378495213499287.post-74357877295238157992012-03-28T14:56:00.002-05:002012-03-28T15:03:29.486-05:00Letting GoMany people who come to see me in psychotherapy have experienced significant losses. Sometimes they have lost someone to death, but just as commonly they are experiencing the loss of someone they love due to a divorce, a break-up, or a significant interpersonal conflict. Losses are especially difficult when you feel like it is your fault. This is why losing someone to suicide or to death following a significant argument is especially devastating. Even if you know intellectually you did not cause the loss, the heart is not so easily convinced.<br />
<div><br />
</div><div>Sometimes, we do not actually lose a person in our lives but experience the loss of ideals, dreams and hopes. For example, most parents dream of conceiving a healthy child and so experience grief when they cannot conceive or when their child is born with medical or developmental problems. Life is not infinitely long. It is not unusual for people to seek therapy in their 40s or 50s when they realize that their personal or professional dreams are no longer possible.<br />
<br />
</div><div>In the face of loss, most of us want to hold on. We don't want to believe the person we love or a beloved dream is truly gone. We can't believe it and we may refuse to believe it. It is not unusual for me to meet with someone who is sure that a past romantic relationship is not over, despite much evidence to the contrary. The "Parent Trap" may be an old movie, but the hope of divorced parents reuniting is ever new. One of the more difficult parts of my job is informing parents that their child has a significant mental illness. Almost always, the immediate reaction is for the parents to deny or minimize the problem. And I get it. No wants wants to experience loss.<br />
<div><br />
</div></div><div>Time of loss can be times of fluctuation or even deepening in the realm of faith and spirituality. For believers in God, It is not unusual to feel abandoned or punished in the wake of a significant loss. Nicholas Wolterstorff, in <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Lament-Son-Nicholas-Wolterstorff/dp/080280294X">Lament of a Son</a> and C.S. Lewis in <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Grief-Observed-C-S-Lewis/dp/0060652381/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1332963725&sr=1-1">A Grief Observed</a> have chronicled their personal spiritual walks as Christians through significant personal losses. </div><div><br />
</div><div>How then do we go on? Where does hope come from? I wish it were easy. The truth is that walking authentically through your pain and coming eventually to accept the loss is the only way forward. Grieving is especially intense when you have no one to talk to or feel that no one understands. Sometimes, as a therapist, my most important job is simply to be there when someone is telling the story of their loss. Support groups can also be helpful. For example, one group I have especially appreciated for adult survivors of suicide is <a href="http://www.catholiccharities.net/loss/">LOSS</a>. In the northern suburbs of Chicago, <a href="http://www.willowhouse.org/">Willow House</a> offers many groups for grieving children. </div><div><br />
</div><div>If you are experiencing a significant loss right now, I am truly sorry. Blessings and peace to you in your journey. </div><div><br />
</div><div><br />
</div><div><div><br />
</div><div><br />
</div></div>Dr. Lora Wienshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05769158879377111906noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6861378495213499287.post-57107311614868825252011-12-13T16:11:00.000-06:002011-12-13T16:11:53.742-06:00Anxiety Girl (or Boy)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjrDgP88Sz_N851Y5ith1DZp7DZgI-9Dz3wuyt1F4rE65XrsZi8P5bOPhByM_SuHLB5NvzqlIwQCnIdn5nObC9IrTjYooNkYNDGhwUXmqJrEWVIP3zejejCSgCeG1JZO5ShHHtq7I9jkr8/s1600/anxiety+girl.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjrDgP88Sz_N851Y5ith1DZp7DZgI-9Dz3wuyt1F4rE65XrsZi8P5bOPhByM_SuHLB5NvzqlIwQCnIdn5nObC9IrTjYooNkYNDGhwUXmqJrEWVIP3zejejCSgCeG1JZO5ShHHtq7I9jkr8/s1600/anxiety+girl.jpg" /></a></div>OK, so I borrowed this from facebook! I think it speaks for itself. If you, your spouse, your child, or your best friends identifies with this cartoon, check out my <a href="http://drlora.blogspot.com/p/coping-with-anxiety.html">Coping with Anxiety</a> page on this blog!Dr. Lora Wienshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05769158879377111906noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6861378495213499287.post-54298319956935052782011-12-13T13:50:00.001-06:002011-12-13T13:56:06.037-06:00Holiday BluesMany of the people I see in my office feel more distress around the holidays. Some have lost loved one's to death or divorce. The first Christmas or Hanukkah without your mother, husband, or child is often especially painful. When working with these clients, I try to help them prepare for the holidays by setting aside time to grieve, setting realistic expectations for themselves, and choosing activities that are life-giving.<br />
<br />
The holidays are also a difficult time to be single, especially as you get into your late 20s and beyond. Most people dream of creating holidays traditions with that special someone and possibly even children. Going home alone to mom and dad, especially if your siblings bring home their partners, can be quite lonely. It is a common time to contact exes, even when you recognize on some level that the relationship ended badly or the other person has moved on.<br />
<br />
Some people find the holidays difficult because of painful memories from childhood. If the holidays were often stressful or painful while you were growing up, it can be difficult to be open to the parts of the holidays that offer joy, peace, connections to others, and meaning. I work with these clients on taking practical steps to create the Christmas or Hanukkah they are seeking. Sometimes these clients also need help recognizing ways they contribute to the tension they experience.<br />
<br />
Still others find the holidays complicated simply because it means family time. Even when there is a lot of love, there can also be tension, unresolved hurt or anger, and complicated family dynamics. Sometimes, people cannot name what it is that makes their time with family members uncomfortable or challenging. I hear people say things like "I don't know why I am not looking forward to Christmas with my family." Psychotherapy can help people not only name and describe the problems but find ways to make things better.Dr. Lora Wienshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05769158879377111906noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6861378495213499287.post-758157962760670992011-11-09T17:48:00.003-06:002011-11-09T17:53:04.355-06:00Challenges facing LGBTQ ChristiansDue to my involvement in <a href="http://www.onewheaton.com/">One Wheaton</a>, I was recently quoted in <a href="http://www.time.com/time/nation/article/0,8599,2096426,00.html">Time Magazine</a> online about some of the difficulties Christian LGBT people experience.Dr. Lora Wienshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05769158879377111906noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6861378495213499287.post-65678848761385607672011-11-09T16:03:00.009-06:002011-11-09T18:09:58.703-06:00Raising Gifted ChildrenA special interest of mine is working with gifted children and adolescents, both as a therapist and as someone who does IQ testing. I practice in a school district in Illinois (District 220) that has a phenomenal program for gifted youth. Gifted, in this context, means having IQ test scores in the 5th percentile.<br />
<br />
The label "gifted" can be very controversial. What parent doesn't think s/he has a gifted child? Isn't every child gifted in some way? Doesn't labeling some children as gifted an elitist notion that denies all children equal educational opportunities? These criticisms have at times contributed to a reduction or absence of funding for gifted and talented programs. It also must be noted people are not simply "born gifted." Children from economically disadvantaged communities are subject to a wide range of factors limiting the development of their IQ, sometimes starting in the womb.***<br />
<br />
The reason I think it can be helpful to identify some children as gifted is because of their unique needs, not only intellectually but emotionally. These children can get bored in a normal classroom, contributing at times to behaviors that can mimic ADHD, such as daydreaming and restlessness. Emotionally, it is not always a gift for things to come easily. What happens when that child comes across something that is difficult to do? Many gifted children struggle with perfectionism. Another common challenge for these children is finding peers that are interested in the same things, leading sometimes to feelings of isolation and even inferiority.<br />
<br />
Paradoxically, no matter your child's IQ, it does not help to focus on the idea that they are smart. In his book <a href="http://www.amazon.com/How-We-Decide-Jonah-Lehrer/dp/0618620117">How We Decide</a> Jonah Lehrer reviews some fascinating studies supporting the idea that success comes from the willingness to persist and to learn from our mistakes. Interestingly, children who identify as "smart" may fear losing that "smartness" every time they find a task difficult or do not get the "right" answer, leading them to avoid difficult tasks and ultimately learn less. In contrast, it is good to praise your child for effort and for trying again when they face obstacles.<br />
<br />
*** In her book <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Origins-Months-Before-Birth-Shape/dp/B004Z4M1A4/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1320875972&sr=1-2">Origins</a>, Annie Murphy Paul does an excellent job of reviewing recent studies of the impact of the prenatal environment on a wide range of factors, including IQ.Dr. Lora Wienshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05769158879377111906noreply@blogger.com