Raising Gifted Children

A special interest of mine is working with gifted children and adolescents, both as a therapist and as someone who does IQ testing. I practice in a school district in Illinois (District 220) that has a phenomenal program for gifted youth. Gifted, in this context, means having IQ test scores in the 5th percentile.

The label "gifted" can be very controversial. What parent doesn't think s/he has a gifted child? Isn't every child gifted in some way? Doesn't labeling some children as gifted an elitist notion that denies all children equal educational opportunities? These criticisms have at times contributed to a reduction or absence of funding for gifted and talented programs. It also must be noted people are not simply "born gifted." Children from economically disadvantaged communities are subject to a wide range of factors limiting the development of their IQ, sometimes starting in the womb.***

The reason I think it can be helpful to identify some children as gifted is because of their unique needs, not only intellectually but emotionally. These children can get bored in a normal classroom, contributing at times to behaviors that can mimic ADHD, such as daydreaming and restlessness. Emotionally, it is not always a gift for things to come easily. What happens when that child comes across something that is difficult to do? Many gifted children struggle with perfectionism. Another common challenge for these children is finding peers that are interested in the same things, leading sometimes to feelings of isolation and even inferiority.

Paradoxically, no matter your child's IQ, it does not help to focus on the idea that they are smart. In his book How We Decide Jonah Lehrer reviews some fascinating studies supporting the idea that success comes from the willingness to persist and to learn from our mistakes. Interestingly, children who identify as "smart" may fear losing that "smartness" every time they find a task difficult or do not get the "right" answer, leading them to avoid difficult tasks and ultimately learn less. In contrast, it is good to praise your child for effort and for trying again when they face obstacles.

*** In her book Origins, Annie Murphy Paul does an excellent job of reviewing recent studies of the impact of the prenatal environment on a wide range of factors, including IQ.

"When the heart breaks, no it don't break even..."

These lyrics from the popular song "Break Even" by The Script illustrate an unfortunate truth about the end of relationships. In theory, people would like their intimate relationships to end mutually over relatively benign, agreed upon statements such as "We were growing apart" and "We were just two different people." In reality, it's usually a lot messier and the stories often stand in sharp contrast. In my office, people often come for help because they are stuck with either feelings of rejection or feelings of guilt.

Person #1 feels rejected, abandoned, and sometimes betrayed. Sometimes, Person #1 starts therapy with some denial about whether the relationship is truly over. Attempts may be made to win back the affections of Person #2. When the reality that the relationship is over sinks in, Person #1 is stuck with intense feelings of sadness, loss, and devastation. S/he commonly feels rejected or even abandoned.  Sometimes, the pain is so significant that s/he cannot see a future where there is hope. Is there something wrong with me? Person #1 wonders. Will anyone ever truly love me and stay around?

Person #2, in contrast, usually feels a combination of guilt, shame, and relief.  Person #2 often feels like a "bad" person for wanting ending the relationship in light of the pain of Person #1. Sometimes the shame and guilt leads Person #1 to make decisions that are appealing in the short-run but ultimately prolong the pain, such as attempting to comfort Person #1 about the divorce or break-up. Person #2 may also deal with the guilt and shame by minimizing the pain of Person #1 or by trying to prove to themselves and others that they were justified to end the relationship. Ultimately, Person #2 wonders: Will I ever be able to love someone without hurting them?

Whether you are Person #1 or Person #2, your pain is legitimate and psychotherapy can be a good option. Identifying the problems that led to the end of the relationship can help you avoid repeating the same mistakes in the future. Also, grieving in a healthy way will allow you ultimately to open your heart to future happiness.

Tips for Parents of Teens who Self-Injure

I commonly see teens and adults who engage in self-injurious behavior, including cutting, burning, and a range of other behaviors. Parents of teens who engage in these behaviors understandably have a number of strong feelings, including shock, anxiety, frustration, sadness, and guilt. Most want to know what they can do to help. Here are a few dos and don'ts:

                                                                  Don'ts

1. Don't assume the problem will simply go away, even if your teen assures you s/he won't engage in the behavior anymore. Your teen needs professional help.
2. Don't try to control their behavior. Keeping an eye on them constantly, taking away self-injury instruments, and harsh consequences are unlikely to reduce the behavior and could instead trigger a stress reaction that makes the behavior more likely.
3. Don't communicate to your teen that s/he is "crazy" for engaging in the behavior. It may be difficult for you to understand, but people engage in this behavior for a reason.
4. Don't accuse your teen of trying to make you feel guilty. You may feel guilty, but it is unlikely that you teen started engaged in self-injurious behavior for that purpose.

                                                                       Do's

1. Do get professional help. Depending on the severity of the problem, your teen could benefit from some combination of outpatient therapy, medication, and an inpatient or outpatient hospitalization program.
2. Do try to stay as calm as possible when talking to your teen.
3. Do ask helpful questions such as: "How does self-injury help you feel better?" and "Is there anything stressing you out right now that I can help you with?"
4. Do communicate that you are there if and when your teen wants to talk. If they are not ready to talk when you initiate the conversation, let them know you will check in again later.

For more information about self-injury and how you can help, the Cornell University Family Life Center has created an excellent website.

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)

I regularly work with people with Borderline Personality Disorder using DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy). These clients seek psychotherapy for a wide range of reasons, including tumultuous relationships, anxiety, depression, PTSD, histories of abuse, addictions, self-harm (e.g. cutting, burning), and suicidal thoughts/attempts. These clients frequently face the dilemma of knowing they are in psychological pain but finding it difficult to trust mental health treatment providers. If you have been diagnosed with BPD, you are not alone. I cannot promise I am the right therapist for you. But I urge you to be intentional about selecting the right therapist. Make sure to ask any potential therapist about their qualifications specifically for working with BPD clients; ideally someone with training in DBT.

Sometimes, clients come to me because someone they love has BPD. Perhaps a parent has BPD or they are in an intimate relationship with someone with BPD. This can be a confusing and sometimes difficult experience.  If this is you, you are not alone. There are indeed unique challenges of relating to someone with BPD. The book Stop Walking on Eggshells by Mason and Kreger does a good job of describing what it is like for people who are close to someone who has BPD. They have also written a workbook that includes practical ways of relating to someone you love with this disorder.

Baby Steps

One of my favorite movies of all time is What About Bob? Thankfully, I have not had any clients like Bob and I haven't come near to losing it like Dr. Leo!  But a useful, albeit overly exaggerated, idea in the film is baby steps. Clients usually come to me because they want to change something, whether it is their way of relating to others, an addiction, or simply the way they feel.

In the area of personal growth, it is all too easy to set yourself up for failure by being overly ambitious. I  use the example of someone who is completely out of shape creating a work-out plan that entails starting with 2 hours a day of exercise. Depending on your fitness goals, it might indeed be desirable to spend 2 hours in the gym. However, if this is your first step, it is very likely that: 1) you will never start this fitness plan or 2) you will actually attempt the fitness plan for 1 or 2 days and quit exercising altogether due to the physical discomfort.

Similarly, you are not likely to simply "stop worrying" or "stop criticizing yourself" overnight just because you realize it is a problem and make a decision to do so. All of us have varying psychological vulnerabilities, just as we have physical vulnerabilities, due to a combination of genetics and our past experiences. How then does change happen? In DBT language, the dialectically opposed poles of acceptance and change are part of the process. So, you have to try to accept yourself and your vulnerabilities, make realistic goals that take your strengths and vulnerabilities into account, and put sustained effort toward your goals over a period of time. In other words, baby steps.

Common Myths that Fuel Therapy Avoidance

Some people avoid seeking psychotherapy because of myths or half-truths they believe. Here are a few common myths that keep people from seeking help:

Myth #1: Only really "crazy" people seek psychotherapy.

Fact: It is true that people with serious mental illnesses like Major Depressive Disorder or Bipolar Disorder need therapy. However, more people seek therapy for the sadness, worry, and/or agitation triggered by common stressors.

Myth #2: I should be able to solve my problems on my own.

Fact: This myth is especially favored by men, but some women also feel like seeking therapy means admitting defeat. The fact is, most people come to a point sooner or later when their toolbox could use some new tools. There is no shame in this.

Myth #3: My problems are not that important because other people have much worse problems.

Fact: If your problems are important to you, they are important period. You are as valuable as anyone else. 

Myth #4: It's not me that needs psychotherapy, it's my brother/ spouse/ mother/ child.

Fact: Even if your loved one does need help, you too may need therapy if you find yourself consumed by worry, sadness or irritation because of the person in question.

Myth #5: My problem will go away on its own. 

Fact: This may be true. Some problems do resolve naturally in time. Others fester until they are properly addressed.  


Myth #6: My problem is too embarrassing to tell anyone about.
Fact: While you may be embarrassed to talk about your problem, it is unlikely your therapist will be uncomfortable. Part of a therapist's job is to help people feel comfortable talking about difficult, personal issues. 

Do I Need Therapy?

Deciding whether or not to start psychotherapy can be tricky. Some questions to ask yourself right off the bat are: 1) What is likely to happen if I do not seek help?
2) What's the worst thing that could happen if I do seek help?

Let me give you a few common reasons why people come in to my office:

• Some people are in a strained relationship with a spouse, a parent, a child, or a friend. 
• Some people experience sadness, anxiety, or anger that does not go away.
• Some people are grieving the loss of a loved one due to death or divorce. 
• Some parents seek counseling for a teen who is moody, explosive, withdrawn, or even suicidal.
• Some young mothers experience sadness or fear that interferes with their ability to fully take joy in their little one. 
• Some people need help with a previously diagnosed mental illness such as Bipolar Disorder, Major Depressive Disorder, or an Anxiety Disorder. 
• Some people are addicted to alcohol or drugs.
• Some people struggle with how to relate to a loved one who has an addiction, a serious mental illness, or a significant physical condition. 
• Some adults & teens are distressed about the fact they may be lesbian, gay, bisexual, or transgender. Others have positively identified as LGBTQ and are trying to cope with the potential or actual negative responses of family members and friends. 

I offer you this list because maybe you will recognize yourself. People seek psychotherapy for many, many reasons. Life may get better without the help of psychotherapy. But why not invite a professional  to coach you on how to lighten the burden you are carrying?