Healthy Relationship Triangle

This is a follow up post to my post "Karpmann Drama Triangle."  I created this triangle to help people understand what healthy alternatives were to the Drama Triangle.

In a healthy, mutual relationship between adults, both people will take turns playing all three roles. In a parent-child relationship, the Parent plays the Support and Assertive Role on behalf of his/her child and the Child plays the Vulnerable and Assertive Role on behalf of him/herself.

                                              Support Role


Assertive Role                                                              Vulnerable Role

Support Role

Someone else is hurting and I love them. For this reason, I will offer practical and/or emotional support to them. If I do not have what they need, it does not mean I do not care about them or are putting them in danger. It is not wrong to say no.

Assertive Role

Someone did something that hurt me or someone I care about. For this reason, I will assert myself on behalf of myself or someone I care about. I am not seeking retaliation. I respect the feelings and needs of the person I am talking to as I assert myself.

Vulnerable Role

I have natural needs for affection, attention, support, quality time, and encouragement from a Supportive Person. Vulnerability exists in everyone even if there is no Supportive Person or an inadequate Supportive Person. When I am in this role, I can choose whether or not to seek support, from whom, and how much I want to be vulnerable. I can also choose not to be in a relationship with someone and/or set boundaries with them while staying in relationship.

Karpmann's Drama Triangle

This is an elaboration of the Karpmann Triangle written by Dr. Lora Wiens as it applies to common roles abuse survivers and their therapists fall into.

In an abuse situation, there is an abuser(s), a victim(s), and often a third party who does or does not rescue the victim. For people who experienced abuse as children, these roles feel familiar and are compelling. When we have grown up in a home with abuse, we tend to fall into these roles in our adult relationships. These roles may feel compelling even when there is no actual abuse taking place. In a relationship between two adults who were abused as children, both people in the relationship are vulnerable to playing at least one of these roles, if not two or three. All three roles can also play out in our relationships with our children.

                                 Rescuer/Bystander

Abuser/Perpetrator                                           Victim 

Rescuer/Bystander

Someone is being abused and I must rescue them or I am morally culpable as a Bystander. If I do not rescue them, bad things will happen to them and it will be my fault.

Abuser/Perpetrator

Due to my actions, someone else is experiencing emotional, physical, or sexual abuse. In the moment of my actions, I am either oblivious to the impact of my actions on the person I am abusing and/or I actively want to cause them harm. I may feel in that moment that I am fighting the abusive actions or words of the one I am abusing.

Victim

I am being abused by someone else. I feel helpless to stop it. I feel my only choices are to submit to the abuser, dissociate and/or freeze. My lack of choice may be either because 1) someone else is actively coercing me or because 2) I am emotionally unable due to leave the situation or otherwise protect myself in that moment due to my trauma history.

A Video in Times of COVID19

I created this video for the Samaritan Counseling Center of the NW suburbs in Barrington, IL where I practice. But I thought it might be helpful for some of you as well. Here is the link from the Samaritan Center Facebook page:

Hello again!

My sister challenged me to consider resume working on my blog. This got me thinking about how I might use it in a way that would be helpful for both current clients and others. Most of my earlier entries were originally written by me. While I would like to continue posting things I write, I think it might also be helpful to share things that could be useful to others.

Since starting the blog, my focus as a clinician has become increasing focused on Complex Trauma and Dissociation. While Complex PTSD did not make it to the DSM-5, it will likely be in the ICD-11. Complex PTSD describes the trauma that occurs in response to conditions of repeatedly emotional and relational stress. People with Complex PTSD were usually victims of emotional, physical, and sexual abuse as well as neglect over a period of time as children. Their parents may have been simply overwhelmed with their own trauma, their losses, and/or triggers from their own childhood. They may have had personality disorders. At worst, they may have been sadistic or had psychopathic traits. The worst the abuse, the more likely you are to have not simply Complex PTSD but a Dissociative Disorder.

Given all of this, I want to share things, whether written by me or not, that I believe will be helpful to my clients with Complex PTSD and Dissociative Disorders. I hope that some of you find them helpful. Whether or not I end up being your therapist, please seek help if you need it. The healing path is a difficult one. But it in the only one to freedom, peace, and feeling more alive.